Eight years ago I moved to Salt Lake with very little. My son, my computer and my car. The rest of what I had fit in my car. Clothing. Nothing else. That was it. Six months later we still hadn’t accumulated much more. So it was a devastating loss when the car broke down that last time. With no money to fix it I had to let it go. My only option was public transportation.

1700 miles from family and friends, only six months in my new chosen home I had to learn the ropes of a new system in a new town all on my own. Eight years later I still have no car, but I am a pro at getting around town. And I’ve seen a lot.

The price had gone up as all things do. But surprise, surprise, it will be going down for a change. The ‘fuel surcharge’ will be revoked. Well, if, big IF, gas prices stay low through the month. Cross your fingers for us. We are at $2.25 a ride. I really didn’t think they’d lower the cost even though gas went down and technically they didn’t.  They are just dropping the ‘fuel surcharges’ and then in April will raise the fare to compensate for the 7% decrease in budget due to the economy. Still. We will come out a quarter lower than we are at now. And I still have better service here than I had in Des Moines or Northern Kentucky.

Riding the bus has its ups and downs. Most rides are uneventful. You get on. Say hi to the driver. Sit there. Maybe read your book or the paper. Maybe daydream. I stare out the window. Pull the bell. Say thank you as you exit. Everything goes as expected.

Other times it’s not so easy or pleasant. Sometimes the bus smells like pee. It’s just a fact of life. I’m not too good to ride a bus that smells like pee. It’s not pleasant but we do what gotta do. I doubt that the individual that peed in that seat or smelled of pee chooses to be that way. I can’t tell you why he or she does that but I’m sure there is a heart breaking reason behind it I can’t begin to know. I can cut them some slack. And count my blessings.

Unlike the lady (or man) with three times too much perfume (or cologne) sitting two seats ahead of me. Well I take that back. I’m sure they have their their issues too that drive their excessive use of toiletries. Maybe they are trying to cover cover up the pee smell they imagine will jump on them while they ride the bus. Or, more likely, they played ‘ink a bink a bottle of ink’ too many times when they were a child and now believe they stink, not because they are dirty, not because they are clean. So they cover it up. Please.  It’s a child’s a rhyme. Get over it. And lay off the smellgoods

When you’re not overtaken with smells there’s sometimes plenty to listen to when you don’t want to. Some people just want to be heard by everyone. Usually younger people. The two teenage boys for instance. They could not help but talk about about sex with their girlfriends. The one went on and on about sex with his girlfriend. How she could not get enough because of how big his … um …. Member was. And how he could get her to do anything he wanted because he was so big. Gotta love teenage boys, right? There were just a few of us in the rear of the bus. But one older gentleman felt the need to chime in. In all seriousness he says “Enjoy it while you can boys, it shrinks when you get older. Mine is the size of my pinky finger now.” I wanted to turn around and see if they were as pale as their silence indicated as this man went on and on about his urologist and how it started to shrink in his late thirties, but I was too busy trying not to laugh too loudly. A few stops later and he pulled the bell and was off.  To the urologist no doubt.

Then there was the guy, mid twenties I’d say, that “was late because I had to change pants because I shit myself”. Fortunately for him it looked like a mustard stain or so he said. He went on about it for twenty minutes. How proud he was. Fun times!

Cell phones are another story. I can only hear one side of the conversation. And because I can’t hear both sides doesn’t mean it is a private conversation. You are in public. Don’t want me and everyone else to know you lost your kids to CPS? Don’t talk about it on the bus where everyone of us can hear you.  It’s much easier to say “mom I’m on the bus I’ll call you back” than it is to expect the seventeen people in the rear of the bus to magically NOT hear you complain how unfair CPS is. Stating “do you mind, its private will not, in reality, make any phone call on the bus a private one.

The funniest thing I have ever seen, and surely some of you won’t find it funny, may even be offended, was the drunken masturbator. We were riding along. I believe it was a Sunday like today. Going to Kmart. I forget now what I was in search of. Getting on you could tell he was drunk. The smell was unmistakable. Harmless enough though. Probably riding the bus to get out of the cold, I thought. This was in the late fall, early winter (do I have a good memory or what? For some things anyway). So we’re riding along. He doesn’t whip it out so much as he undoes his pants a little bit and sticks his hand down there and starts going at it. They are bagging pants but you can still see the party going on.

The bus driver is shocked. Completely. Stops the bus. Demands he stops. He looks at the driver but doesn’t stop. The driver is unsure what to do. Tells him to stop again or he’ll call the police. This time he stops. The bus driver tells him to get off the bus. He begs to stay on. Driver says no way. Off he goes of the cops come. Out out out. So off the guy goes with some very loud very very vulgar obscenities. The driver calls it all in to central control and we fill out incident cards and we are on our way to Kmart once more. All in all a very interesting ride.

So you see, riding the bus can be very entertaining. And leave you with some excellent stories to tell your friends. But mostly riding the bus is uneventful and goes just as planned. No big deal except to save you gas money and the aggravation of commuting, gridlock and road rage.